Wish, Wait, Hope, Pray

Things are crazy busy but I wanted to make sure I said goodbye before I head to:

I can’t quite express how excited I am about this trip. I’m courting epiphany and am squeeeeeeing about the friends I get to spend time with.

I am going to go to hereto drink Vanilla Lemon Vodkas and eat little steamed parcels of deliciousness.

Then I’m going here

Where I want THIS to be mine…

And then I’m going to go here and here.

And finally we’ll be hitting The Castle for a nice pub lunch on Sunday before I head to Husbando’s parents.

I have no idea if I will have a chance to post while I’m away but if not – catch you on the flipside!

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Yesterday Little Miss and I headed into Vancouver for the afternoon. I was a little apprehensive about getting there but then a friend offered up his secure underground parking in the middle of the action so we had it easy.

First up was the Kinder sponsored kid’s party at Casa Italia. I had been bitching that there weren’t any Olympic events for young kids so when I was invited to this “Playdate” I was really excited. We had a great time – they had facepainting, a dance floor, Olympic photos and more chocolate than you can imagine. It was literally “Here’s a bag, fill it with chocolate!” That said, as is sadly usual with free stuff, some people always take the piss. I watched one woman fill clear a table of chocolate mega packs while a child (not hers) tried to put some in her own bag but the woman was snatching the boxes too quickly and later overheard the face-painting girls in the bathroom talking about an older boy who demanded “I’m the biggest person here so I should get the most chocolate!” Little Miss loved seeing all the other kids and ended up falling asleep in my Beco during one of our many dances on the dancefloor.

Afterwards one of my IRL BFFs suggested I join her family for dinner so we headed into Yaletown to try and find a kid friendly restaurant without an epic wait. Surprisingly it didn’t take long and we ended up at a new BBQ place. It was crammed but everyone was so chilled out and the staff were incredibly accommodating of our strollers and little ones.

As we left a woman stopped me and took a picture of Little Miss. I was a bit surprised (I mean how random!) but this woman said Little Miss was such a “quintessential” baby she had to have a pic!

After that, our bellies stuffed with ribs, corn bread and wine we had planned to walk straight back to our cars but as we strolled the cobblestone sidewalks the atmosphere was too enticing. When we came upon a DJ set up outside a storefront my friend’s daughter wanted to dance so we stopped for a bit. All of a sudden a totally adorable little boy appeared beside the stroller and he was stroking Little Miss’ cheek. His mum was a bit embarrassed but confessed that he “absolutely loves babies” and he was so gentle with her, and was soooooo enamoured of her it was too cute to interrupt. Little Miss kept grinning at him and it was so sweet when he kissed her on the forehead <cuteness overload> and she giggled. After they left I took Little Miss out of the stroller to join the full on dance party that had formed on the sidewalk, complete with drunk teenagers, 20-something hipsters and a couple of senior citizens.

It all felt so European and relaxed – everyone was relaxed and pleasant and kind to each other. I even had some perfect strangers high five me in the street as I walked back to the car! I realised that I definitely love the busy bustle of people in the city, that I miss that mass of energy you can only get with millions of people. I wish Vancouver was like that more often.

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If you haven’t already checked it out, head on over and enter the Spilt Milk Mom’s A Few Of Our Favourite Things contests.

We have giveaways from Beco, Little Star Greetings (who were WONDERFUL to work with on Little Miss’ birth announcement), LifeFactory, Raspberry Kids, I See Me, Mabel’s Labels, Bobs & Lolo, Mally Bibs, Purple Possum Press, Moukisac, Bella Materna and if you tweet any of the above contests (and include @SpiltMilkMoms) you’ll be entered to win the Favourite Things gift basket.

Just wee little Christmas gifties from us! xoxo

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I called our realtor today (who is so brilliant and helpful) to discuss his opinion as to when in the spring he thinks would be the best time for us to put the house on the market. I wasn’t expecting him to say “NOW” but he basically did. He’s coming on Friday to do a proper valuation and go through our options with us. Which means we need to get a move on with some painting and the tiling in the kitchen.
Eeeek. Didn’t see that coming!

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Little Miss has just fallen asleep unbelievably early so although I need to clean my house and get organized for the week and for Christmas I wanted to bring you up to speed on some other things so that in the future I can just write without wondering if I gave you some background. So here we go…

Other things:

Healing. Turns out that although I had a pretty easy pregnancy, as well as an inspiring and empowering labour I hadn’t escaped scott-free as I had suspected. I’m not healing so well, ahem, down there. Apparently there are a couple of possible reasons – I actually had some third degree tearing that wasn’t noticed or was diagnosed as “just” second degree tearing, I’ve got a build up of scar tissue, or I’ve done some muscle damage. I’ve been referred to a gynaecologist but the appointment isn’t for another FOUR months – although I’m hoping to get in on cancellation sooner – I can’t believe waiting for NINE months post birth to see someone is a good idea.

I’m also damaged in other ways – I’m having some funky shoulder pain, back pain, as well as a tendon issue with my hand which makes it hard to pick things up. Interestingly enough its all on the right side of my body – which is also is the side that my cervix dilated slower on. No idea if they’re related but I’m wondering if when having to fight the pushing I stressed/damaged my right side more? (I promise I’ll write the birth story one day soon!) I’m working with a great physiotherapist right now which is unbelievably slow helpful but it means that any exercise other than walking less than 30 minutes is out which is sooooooooooooooooooo depressing and not helping me with losing weight.

We’ve decided to sell our house in the spring. Its too big and we just can’t afford it. Husbando has found some additional part time work but eleven months of unemployment plus maternity leave do not mix. I’m not entirely sure what this means for us (aside from the fact that we’re going to have to downsize in a BIG way). I’m partially very sad that its come to this and partially relieved – knowing we’re doing something to change our situation makes me feel better about it but it means a major lifestyle change and a step down on the property ladder.

As far as the sleeping thing goes… we’re doing better but really this is because I’ve tried to change my perspective. I read a couple of books and they all say that its normal for a baby between 3 – 6 months old to wake 2 – 3 times between midnight and 6 am. If a child sleeps through the night the parents are lucky but its not the norm. This made me very relieved. As much as I want/need sleep there’s nothing wrong with Little Miss’ growth and development – in fact she’s a thriving, growing little munchkin so if she’s ok then I need to change the situation for myself. I’ve brought her back into our room and, whenever its needed, to our bed. She sleeps so much better near me and consequently, so do I. What’s interesting is that since I’ve been telling people thats what’s been going on I have had SO many parents confide in me that they did the same or similar. Why the big whispered secret? If its better for the baby and better for you/me/us then why are we ashamed to say it? It would have made me feel a hell of a lot better to start with if people had been open with their sleeping situations. I think there is a lot of pressure (both real and created) on new parents to have their babies sleep through the night but the reality is that no one told the babies that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. In the long run we all need to do whatever we can to get through whilst raising gorgeous little human beings.

So there we go… me in a (very longwinded) nutshell. Phew. It was actually really nice to get caught up

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Have you ever had so much that you want to say, that you want to talk about, but you just can’t find a way to get the words out?

I want to tell you how insanely in love with my daughter I am and how her silent, gummy laugh reduces me to some other-ness, but it sounds so trite. I want to explore how I feel like I’ve lost confidence*  but my sense of self has grown a thousand fold. I can tell you that there are days I don’t get out of my pyjamas until after 4pm and I love every second of it and that my brain shuts down to a point where I can’t really focus when she cries but that’s about it. I can’t explain how I’m wrestling with so much and it all leads in so many different directions that I become frozen contemplating which is the RIGHT direction. Or how to explain I’m trying to enjoy every minute of my mat leave but can’t help thinking about work and whether I should go back, have to go back, can go back or even want to go back and I HATE it.

I’m not sure of who I am anymore, and I’m trying to figure it all out.

If only I could find the words.

*In areas other than mothering – there for some reason I’m good.

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Well I’m not sure when I decided to do No! No! No! November that November would say No! No! No! to me. My quiet month has turned out not so much. Little Miss’ vaccinations followed by our H1N1 shots (yes we got them, no I’m not really interested in getting into a discussion about it but as I told someone who questioned me – I’d throw myself in front of a bus for my daughter so getting a shot in the hope that the antibodies will protect her is kinda a moot point) and then some financial set backs (a theme for us in 2009) followed by a last minute baptism (not us) and a whole slew of sudden social invitations I’m not batting 1000 on my no’s. I’ve managed to avoid caffeine and for the most part wheat (except when I’ve eaten something I thought was thought was wheat free by accident) but the booze is out the window (who am I to turn down champagne and 20 year old port?) and the exercise thing is tough. I’m struggling with very painful knees (the 30 day shred isn’t exactly low impact) but worst of all is that its not exactly nursing boob friendly. Seriously aren’t you supposed to move your arms when you do jumping jacks rather than holding onto your milk-full boobs so they don’t explode? I’m going to have to back off a bit – my goal is to try to keep to every other day because it is a good workout and then next week I’m hoping to get a referral to physio because my back has been sore since Little Miss arrived (I’m sure its from breastfeeding but not entirely sure what to do about it!) and I don’t want to be beaten by evil Jillian.

I’m also struggling with blogging. I really want to write but (a) I can’t really construct sentences that make right now, (b)  I’d rather look at Little Miss than the laptop, (c) seriously, how does anyone find the time and (d) there’s so much going on in my head I feel like I need to figure some of it out and then make sense of some/any/a snippit of it before publicly declaring anything.

I think part of my reluctance to focus on writing is that I am so enjoying Little Miss that I resent having to do any sort of work that takes my focus away from her angers me. I know that never again in my life will I have a year to dedicate solely to my daughter’s (and my own) growth and development. Its like I’m constructing the foundation of a great building and I know if I keep taking my eyes off what’s going on the building won’t be as dynamic as it could or should be.

I’m not saying I’m disappearing but, like every new parent, I’m learning that everything has a trade off – want grown up time with the other half? You’ll have to stay up late after the baby goes to bed but then you get less sleep. Its all about actions and consequences and I’ve just started to learn what I’m willing to give up and what I’m not so sure about. It might not be so interesting to you but I’m actually finding it fascinating. Long may it continue!

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Every year I find the beginning of September invigorating. I’m sure it has something to do with all those years of school starting but I find that I am much more motivated and focused than any other time, including new year.

Of course this year we had a two week old so motivation and focus weren’t exactly things I had in spades so we set ourselves a deadline date of October 1st. Little Miss will be just over 6 weeks old (an age at which I have been told things get a little easier), the in-laws will be gone (woot woot) and we will be a little family again.

We have a lot to sort out and decide as of October 1st. Husbando is looking to make final decisions about changing careers vs retraining, we need to finalise whether we’re going back to the UK for Christmas (or for good). I’m heading back to the gym because despite being “that woman” who does indeed get back to her pre-pregnancy weight solely by breast-feeding I was overweight when I got knocked up and I’ve decided / declared that I want to be back to the weight I was when we got married by our next anniversary (June 24th) which means I’ve got 38 lbs to lose. (I also want to lose it for Little Miss’ sake but that’s a whole other post.)

So its time to get my family on track. I don’t intend to put Little Miss on a schedule but I need some order and focus again. I need to sort out time to write, start planning menus, sorting out finances, tackling the massive pile of paperwork that has built up over the past few weeks.

I absolutely do not, in any way, regret putting everything on hold for 6 weeks – if it wasn’t easy or simple or interesting it didn’t get done – but now it’s time to start settling down and building a regular life for my little family and therefore I am SO looking forward to October 1st.

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So here we are one month in. Its been a crazy month in a lot of ways – so many firsts and a very steep learning curve – but as I look back I’m amazed at how far we’ve come so fast.

Little Miss is now 10lbs 6oz (or she was at the midwife appointment on Thursday, she’s probably even more now!), she can obviously see and focus on us, her cries and coos make more sense, she’s into her cloth diapers and, best of all, she’s starting to smile. There is seriously nothing better than your baby smiling at you – it makes all the sleeplessness and exhaustion worth it.

I’m definitely enjoying motherhood, to a degree that actually surprises me – I love getting lost in it all. I guess I had hoped having Little Miss would give me some sort of clarity or decisiveness with regards to where we live and what we should be doing but unfortunately I’m as confused as ever, something I hope I’ll be able to delve into in further detail in future posts. That said I still sometimes catch a glimpse of myself and am surprised and pleased with what I see. Somehow I’ve become a baby-wearing, swaddling, breastfeeding on demand, high heel and dress wearing mama who drinks wine, eats out, makes up ridiculous songs for her daughter and is more in love with her husband than ever before.  Who’da thunk it?

So in honour of making it through the first month alive I present you with:

The Top 10 Things I Couldn’t Have Made It Through The First Month Without

Husbando

For reals. The man is now so much more of a man than he was before. From that first night home where he climbed out of his own glorious slumber to ensure I got some beyond-much-needed sleep to his offer to buy me a new coat because I “deserve” it to the bazillion diaper changes he’s done without complaint, Husbando is the man in every way.

Graco Travel-lite Crib

Oh travel-lite crib how I love thee! While the driving factor behind the request for this cot was that we’d be able to travel with it (duh!) and therefore always have a place for Little Miss to sleep it became a lifesaver when she decided she hated the movement of the cradle we’d been lent. It has wheels at the back making it oh-so-easy to move from the bedroom to the living room or wherever we happen to be.

Hooter Hider

Ahhhh sweet modesty. As a larger breasted woman I was having some serious issues feeding in public. My boobs were WAY bigger than the baby’s head so there was no way of escaping showing off some serious skin every time I went to breastfeed. I tried nursing tops which helped a bit or covering myself with a blanket (which just frustrate the hell out of me) but the hooter hider saved the day. With a bit of plastic boning around te top it creates a little window so that I can see Little Miss when she feeds (which is great because her favourite trick of late is pulling off and then freaking out because there’s no food in her mouth) and it wraps far enough around me that I’m protected from every angle – brilliant.

Aden & Anais Muslin Swaddle Blankets

We have used these to DEATH. They are great for swaddling, as stroller blankets, burp cloths, play mats, sun shades and rain cover – plus the muslin keeps things cool when its hot but warm when its cold. Probably our most used baby item so far.

Coffee & Wine

Don’t laugh!  My one glass of each a day has helped me keep me sane.

Method Kids Laundry Detergent & Dryer Cloths

I originally bought this because I wanted something delicate to wash all the new and second hand baby clothes in but I am so addicted to the smell it just says “baby” to me every time I inhale it. As we’re doing so much more laundry than before I wanted something “green” for Little Miss’ delicate skin (plus it works great in cold water).

Gorgeous Baby Sling

I wasn’t overly fussed about baby wearing before but I’m a believer now. As soon as Little Miss goes into the sling she usually goes straight off to sleep. I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about slings but here are my suggestions: Try It Early- Little Miss was 4 days old when I put her in it for the first time, Wait Till They’re Asleep (or at least milk drunk) before you try it and Keep It Short for the first few experiences.

Amoralia Nursing Bra

Oh dear god how expensive are nursing bras? Once I got over the shock of the sticker price of decent nursing bras (and because I would like to still be able to see my boobs in the future) I was determined to find something nice for my money and Amoralia doesn’t disappoint. Being larger I thought I would have to go with underwire to get the support I need but this non-stretchy fabric bra makes my boobs look fantastic whilst defying gravity. Plus its pretty and I like pretty things.

Lansinoh Lanolin

Ok I’m noticing a bit of a boob theme here but they have been the hardest working part of my body since the delivery so probably need the most assistance and… um… support. Lansinoh Lanolin saved my nipples. Seriously – if you have any nipple pain or soreness run, don’t walk, to the nearest store to buy some. From the early latching pain to the 20 bazillion times a day Little Miss insisted on violently pulling off my boobs when she had the cold I swear my nipples would have fallen off if it wasn’t for this product.

Dad Gear Diaper Backpack & Skip Hop Pronto

Husbando and I seriously argued about diaper bags in the end I gave in and we ordered the DadGear Back Pack and I have to say its GREAT. Tons of rooms for extra blankets, changes of clothes, bottles, diapers, etc and the built in wipes disposal is seriously the bee’s knees. It also has enough room to carry the Pronto which has long been a favourite baby gift of mine. The Pronto rocks for quick changes in places with little space (think the back of the car, most restaurants, etc) as well as for just popping round to a friend’s place for coffee where you’re not going to need all the gear. The two of these together really is a match made in heaven and I nearly cried the one and only time we forgot to pack them both in the car!

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