Wish, Wait, Hope, Pray

The night before last I received a call out of the blue from a wonderful friend. We met shortly after I arrived in London and from the first coffee in Soho we were each other’s go-to person for deep discussions and hours of endless question asking (usually after several glasses of wine). Even when we go for far too long without contact there is no hesitation, no break in our stride when we pick up again. So when we caught up the other night it didn’t surprise me to discover the parallels in our lives. Both of us had moved somewhere we thought would be a step up, into bigger and better houses, closer to family only to feel more lost than ever before. And we had both decided, independently of each other, to put our house on the market after Christmas. I can’t describe the relief that came in his understanding of this little corner we backed ourselves into.

As we talked further, I tried to explain how motherhood is making me ask so many questions about myself and my life. How being a mom makes me want to be a better person – makes me want to chase my dreams again. How I would hate for Little Miss to ever give up on her dreams, on anything she really wanted, and how I always want her to feel encouraged and supported. How I think about things like body image and how I need to present myself so she doesn’t acquire any of that particular baggage from me. And how I find myself wanting to make changes, not for her specifically, but for me to be a better, more authentic person.

Authenticity can be very hard when you’re sleep deprived,  you’re not sure of where you are and you feel like you keep screwing up but as my fabulous friend pointed out, they’re not really screw ups, they’re lessons – hard, humbling lessons, but lessons never-the-less. I fell asleep thinking about my own authenticity and learning and desire for some change. The next morning I was still thinking about everything we talked about when I turned on my iPod and it played the cast of Glee singing ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked (which I will SO be seeing next time I’m in London!)

The lyrics are perfect for where I am right now:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

Its perfect and my new personal theme song for this tumultuous time of change and redefinition. I can feel the changes coming, I can see the light of them on the horizon and this song is as much my battle cry as it is my inspiration. What about you – do you have a theme song right now? Do you tend to find theme songs when you need them or do you realize a song was your theme when the moment is over?

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