Spew
Posted in Life, Little Miss, Parenting on 12/04/2009 11:34 am by EmilyI know I’ve been silent for a while and its really been for two reasons. The first being I almost don’t know where to start and I’ve been not wanting to be brutally honest because I know a lot of you have just popped and others are about to and I don’t want to be that woman. I’m also still hesitant after the work burn – work is something I want to talk about but knowing people at my work read my blog kills that – how am I supposed to work through stuff, and probably constantly change my mind, with the worry that someone is scurrying off and telling people about it. So I thought about going completely private but I know I’d lose a lot of readers that way and I really value you my readers. So I’ve been stuck, but also, honestly, mostly I’m EXHAUSTED.
When you first have a baby and they’re waking ALL THE TIME to feed and you feel the initial shock of the sleep deprivation and it is WAY, WAY, WAY harder than you ever expected everyone tells you it gets easier. If I had a nickel for every time I was told it would get better at 3, 6, 12 weeks then I would be able to easily supplement my egg nog latte addiction. But the truth is? They lied. Big time.
After the first couple of topsy turvy weeks Little Miss settled into a pattern of needing to eat about every 3 hours which meant that she woke up every 3 hours through the night. I hunkered down because I knew, because THEY said so, that weeks 3, 6, 12 were just around the corner. But here we are 3.5 months in (I’ve lost track of the weeks and I’m too tired to go count it out) and we’re still waking every 3 hours. Well 3 hours is good – sometimes its less. Its been 4 a couple of times and once upon a time she slept for 5 whole hours but that was before she was 6 weeks old. Right now she’s fighting a cold and a sore throat and the night before last she woke up every 90 mins. I honestly don’t think there are words for how tired I am and unless you’ve experienced it there is NO WAY you could ever know what its like and I don’t say that lightly or as a way of saying that I’m in the baby club and you’re not or some other BS, its just because, really, until you’ve been there you just can’t know.
Slightly long aside: And if I have one more mother of a formula fed baby tell me in a disbelieving voice that they’re so surprised she’s not sleeping through because their baby has slept through since XYZ weeks I’m going to punch them. Husbando’s pleading suggestions that we switch to formula have been met with disdain. I strangely feel very strongly about breastfeeding. I didn’t feel anything before I got pregnant, I mean I hoped that I would be able to breastfeed but I was sort of “meh” when it came to an opinion. Now here’s what I think: I think women should breastfeed. I also think women should get, by default, a shitload of help with breastfeeding. I was lucky – I had a lot of help early on and I can honestly say if I hadn’t received the advice and assistance I did in the beginning I’m not sure I would have been ABLE to breastfeed. It hurt and my nipples were bruised and I was tired but I was helped and corrected a few things and then we were rockin’ the whole breastfeeding thing. A LOT of women aren’t as lucky as I was and my heart goes out to them, in fact because I CAN breastfeed I sort of feel like I NEED to for all the women I know who really wanted to but either couldn’t or didn’t get enough help early on.
So anyway all this means that I am not going to introduce formula all of a sudden just because I’m tired. I signed up for this gig. I knew it was going to have its hard parts but I also know that my job right now, the reason I have a year off, is this little creature who relies on me for EVERYTHING. And in two and a half months she’ll be going onto solids and everything will change (again). Really this baby needs me more than anything for 6 months – out of what? over (hopefully) the 700+ months I have left in my life. I might feel exhausted but what’s six month in a lifetime. So we continue to wake and feed. Several people have asked me if I’m going to do sleep training and I’m not sure. I’m not a fan of the whole cry-it-out methodology so I’m not sure how else people sleep train – I def need advice on this so please, please, please let me know what you think…
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I wrote the above yesterday afternoon in about 3 tries of 10 minutes each. Then I had to deal with a super fussy, sickly baby and I hit the wall. Ended up calling Husbando in tears telling him I didn’t know what to do because I was just so, so, so tired. Eventually, after all napping attempts were either disasters or interrupted (stupid dog, but thats another post) I finally took her to bed with me at 8:30. After feeding on and off for over 90 minutes!!! she finally fell asleep and slept for SEVEN whole hours. Seriously. I was stunned. I probably got about 5 hours straight because the thing about being so exhausted is that you can’t fall asleep because you’re so wound up. I wonder if babies have some magic sensor that lets them know if their parents are about to lose it in an almighty way? I also have to wonder if her sleeping had anything to do with being back in our room (we moved her to her own room a couple of weeks ago) and as I said to Husbando this morning I’m happy to let her sleep in our room till she’s 16 if it means she’ll sleep for SEVEN hours straight. A girl can live on seven hours.
So, although I wouldn’t go as far as proclaiming that I’m back I will say that I need to work through all the craziness going on right now and I need to be as honest as I can, as scary as it is and will be. And hopefully you’ll be hearing from me again in the near future!
December 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Great post, I just sorta assume that I am going to be sleep deprived for about a year once they are here… and because i am a recovering insomniac in a way, i am lucky, as i have had experience going long periods of time with no sleep (maybe that week of not sleeping in my 20s was training for twins…).
I am glad that you are liking bfing. As you know, I think it will be great, and I’m already sick of hearing about how impossible it will be for me to do (lactation induction with twins). so glad to hear that you are sticking with it (because I will phone you for help!).
Duck´s last blog ..Introducing… Friday’s Surrogacy Eh? Navigating surrogacy in the land of the igiloos.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
PS – make some posts private so you can give us the scoop on those work Bitches (who does that! SHAME ON YOU – not you – but those freaky blog reading rumour spreading soul sucking women – get a life).
Duck´s last blog ..Introducing… Friday’s Surrogacy Eh? Navigating surrogacy in the land of the igiloos.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
My second child has woken up every 3 hours consistently. So, honestly, I just keep him in bed with me. And when he does wake up, I make it a point to not look at the clock or count the times. As he’s gotten older he’s become a faster nurser, and he’s better at latching himself on, too. So I’m not exactly completely awake, and it makes all the difference. Somehow, if my feet don’t have to touch the floor I feel better.
I hope that you find the sleep that you need, because I have been that tired and it is NOT FUN.
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December 4th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I do know how tired you feel. Really. My daughter (my second kid) woke up every few hours until she was four months. At that point I couldn’t take it anymore and out of desperation for SOMETHING to change I put her in her own crib in her own room (she was sleeping in our bed until then). By miracle she slept much longer right off the bat. She still woke up twice a night and I nursed her in the night until she was six months by which time she just stopped waking up. Both of my kids were big (as in really long) and both kind of went breastfeeding crazy by 3-4 months of age. I couldn’t keep up. It was like I was nursing all the time. I decided to supplement with cereal on their four-month-birthday and the extra bit of food seemed to help. I still nursed each of them and neither of them had any formula. I really admire your commitment to bfing. I was told by many people to “just formula feed and they’ll sleep through the night”. It can be hard to withstand the external pressure.
On the work front. I think I might have an idea of what you’re feeling. I wanted to talk about my thoughts of returning to work too and couldn’t because I was worried about what they would think. I kept silent on my thoughts until I decided not to return to work just last week.
(Sorry so long. I could talk forever about kids and sleeping.)
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December 5th, 2009 at 2:09 am
The sleep deprivation is hard. Really, really hard. (As I sit here and type this at 2am). I don’t have any advice, just wanted you to know that I get it. I fully and completely get it.
Tara´s last blog ..Turning the corner
December 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I feel for ya, cuz this kid while great during the day (feeds every 3-4 hours) can feed every 15 minutes to 3 hours at night. At night, there is no pattern, no routine, nothing. And he will not sleep at night unless one of us is touching him. During the day, he’s all dandy and independent, at night he is a greedy little monster. And I’m only at 11 days old… so I can’t imagine after months of this. I fear it. I really do. Cuz like you, there’s only so much I can take. RIght now I’m living on hope that they’re not lying and it will get better, but like you, I think they may all be liars, cuz some babies will just do what they do…
I’m here if you wanna vent or cry… or drink;-)
December 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Hey friend – I hear you, I really do. And find myself wanting to talk to you instead of just a comment. Email me your #?
One of the best things I got from the hospital was a brochure about breastfeeding that said that it is work, and like all work, we need support to do it well. I was rifling through the stack of papers they had given me, and when I found that, I cried. Cause it is really hard work, all by itself, leaving aside everything else we do for our babies. And we get so little recognition for it.
Annacyclopedia´s last blog ..at long last, i emerge from the fog to dispense random thoughts and advice
December 6th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
This is one thing that helped me. I’m not giving you advice, just letting you know about something I heard that applied (and helped) my situation. This was before we started giving her one bottle of formula per day, so it applies to exclusive breastfeeding.
A was eating every 3-4 hours during the day and night. (at 2.5 months). I was told that if I upped the food she was getting in the day, that she would require less at night. (As in less feedings). I tried to get her on the breast every 2 hours throuout the day, and after 3 pm every 1.5 hours if she would take it, until bedtime. Once I started doing that, she started going for longer stretches at night. Because I increased the day breastfeedings (# of feedings per day) her nutritional requirements were less at night, because she was getting more in the day. It was like shifting one or two of those night feeds to the day.
It worked for me, and she would generally do a 5 hour stretch at night after that, and it continued improving. I did start giving her a bottle of formula before bed (for other personal reasons that are irrelevent here), but between 2.5 and 4 months old I tried to get her on the breast more often in the day in hopes she would become used to having her 24 hour nutritional need met during the day as opposed to night.
I know sleep deprevation sucks, and I really hope you find something that works for you!
December 8th, 2009 at 11:38 am
sigh. me too. i’m exhausted!
i say do whatever you can to make it work for you and your family.
i hit a wall at four months and needed to move him out of my bed and into the crib. my husband was away and i was going out of my mind. sleep training hasn’t been the most successful, but the baby and i both sleep better on our own.
bedtime isn’t pretty, but once he goes down, he’ll sleep 6-7 hour stretches (at 6 months).
tara´s last blog ..quiet here too
December 10th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
just shy of 5 months here and she doesn’t sleep …we don’t even GET 3 hours..we don’t even get two hours..cept maybe ONCE in the night somewhere..tossed at us like scraps to hungry dogs.
OH and I am formula feeding….so yeah..that is all jack shit.
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