Wish, Wait, Hope, Pray

I want you to indulge me for a moment – please, please, please find and see the film Food, inc. (we found ours via Pay per View so have a look there).  We just watched it and I am now inspired, repulsed and floundering in a puddle of questions. Our diet is one of the things I was thinking of changing in the new year and now, more than ever, I am keen to eat less, but better quality food. As Husbando said – I never want to buy mass produced food again. Its a terrible portrait of America and I often felt worse for the farmers and workers than the poor cows, pigs and chickens.

And don’t just listen to me – I went searching for the film after reading blog posts from two of my favourite bloggers: City Mama and Musings of a Housewife. As Stefania said – maybe our blogs can be a platform for good and for change. And on their recommendations I am going to seek out Everything I Want To Do Is Illegal as well as reading Michael Pollan’s books. I’m gearing up for a diet program in January and want to make it as truly healthy as possible.

If you’ve already seen the film has it affected you and if you’ve just seen it what did you think?

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If you haven’t already checked it out, head on over and enter the Spilt Milk Mom’s A Few Of Our Favourite Things contests.

We have giveaways from Beco, Little Star Greetings (who were WONDERFUL to work with on Little Miss’ birth announcement), LifeFactory, Raspberry Kids, I See Me, Mabel’s Labels, Bobs & Lolo, Mally Bibs, Purple Possum Press, Moukisac, Bella Materna and if you tweet any of the above contests (and include @SpiltMilkMoms) you’ll be entered to win the Favourite Things gift basket.

Just wee little Christmas gifties from us! xoxo

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The night before last I received a call out of the blue from a wonderful friend. We met shortly after I arrived in London and from the first coffee in Soho we were each other’s go-to person for deep discussions and hours of endless question asking (usually after several glasses of wine). Even when we go for far too long without contact there is no hesitation, no break in our stride when we pick up again. So when we caught up the other night it didn’t surprise me to discover the parallels in our lives. Both of us had moved somewhere we thought would be a step up, into bigger and better houses, closer to family only to feel more lost than ever before. And we had both decided, independently of each other, to put our house on the market after Christmas. I can’t describe the relief that came in his understanding of this little corner we backed ourselves into.

As we talked further, I tried to explain how motherhood is making me ask so many questions about myself and my life. How being a mom makes me want to be a better person – makes me want to chase my dreams again. How I would hate for Little Miss to ever give up on her dreams, on anything she really wanted, and how I always want her to feel encouraged and supported. How I think about things like body image and how I need to present myself so she doesn’t acquire any of that particular baggage from me. And how I find myself wanting to make changes, not for her specifically, but for me to be a better, more authentic person.

Authenticity can be very hard when you’re sleep deprived,  you’re not sure of where you are and you feel like you keep screwing up but as my fabulous friend pointed out, they’re not really screw ups, they’re lessons – hard, humbling lessons, but lessons never-the-less. I fell asleep thinking about my own authenticity and learning and desire for some change. The next morning I was still thinking about everything we talked about when I turned on my iPod and it played the cast of Glee singing ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked (which I will SO be seeing next time I’m in London!)

The lyrics are perfect for where I am right now:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

Its perfect and my new personal theme song for this tumultuous time of change and redefinition. I can feel the changes coming, I can see the light of them on the horizon and this song is as much my battle cry as it is my inspiration. What about you – do you have a theme song right now? Do you tend to find theme songs when you need them or do you realize a song was your theme when the moment is over?

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I haven’t been feeling overly Christmas-y this year but this meme definitely made me smile. I’m not going to add to anyone’s Christmas to-do list by tagging anyone so if you like it too please do it – and then let me know so I can check out your answers!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? EGG NOG. I need a 12 step group I love it so much. (Although I do reduced fat.) I was just saying that its now one of the only things that is available only one time of the year (you can buy Easter mini-eggs year round now for some stupid reason) so I tend to fill up on it. Egg Nog in my coffee is the perfect way to start my day and with rum never fails. I even made egg nog cheese cake and egg nog french toast over the last few weeks!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? I didn’t know that Santa wrapped gifts for some kids until I was an adult. Santa doesn’t leave them under the tree either – he stuffs those stockings by the fireplace (with unwrapped goodies – I can’t imagine how much waste there is with santa wrap!) and leaves them bulging with surprises. One year he forgot to wipe his boots and there were ash boot prints all over mum & dad’s sheepskin rug – boy were they mad!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White, white, white. I love the clean, simple look of it.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I have in the past but its poisonous to dogs and kids so we tend to avoid it – maybe I’ll try and find some good plastic mistletoe.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the first or second weekend in December. Growing up my sister’s birthday was Dec 2nd and my dad’s is Dec 5th so we weren’t allowed to do anything Christmas-y until after their birthdays so now I stick to early December. November is just for keeners (and Christmas Eve – when my husband thinks the tree should go up is WAY too late!)

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Christmas pudding – a secret recipe husbando & I came up that came about after he worked on a show with a bunch of top chefs and we incorporated a lot of their ideas.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Cabbage Patch kid year. It was the year of mom riots and store shortages and my parents had done the whole “christmas is about giving not receiving” speech. I was SUPER unpopular at school and this was my first year at a new school. When Santa hadn’t brought it I was devastated. I even had a nap and cried thinking I was never going to get one and my sister (2 years younger) came in and told me that if I didn’t get a cabbage patch she’d still love me even if no one liked me – LOL! My parents had wrapped it in a box twice the size of the Cabbage Patch to disguise it and when I opened it I just burst into tears. Makes me tear up now just thinking about it. I was so surprised.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? My dad slipped to my younger sister and either she told me or the parents told us after the slip up. I think I was 9.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yup – and its always pyjamas LOL! I don’t know how old I was when I realized that despite my parents pretending to pick at random it was always the pjs!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Our tree has a lot of sparkly silver ornaments, some cute tin ornaments and then a collection of ornaments from our travels – a handstitched dove from Swaziland, wooden reindeer from Brussels, a Haida design, some wooden hearts and a star from the UK and a fabulous ‘Father Christmas’ made by my friend Chris that looks like him. Its sounds haphazard but it comes together very well!

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it! Never feels like Christmas without snow.

12. Can you ice skate? Yes but it takes me a while to warm up but then I can do cutovers. I usually end up with a bruised tailbone though.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? See Cabbage Patch above – my husband has had a couple of winners with a pair of diamond earrings and a gorgeous Indian jewellery box.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Joy, my husband, food and – this year my daughter.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? See #6.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas Eve Curry – we have curry (and usually Champagne) every Christmas Eve and I love it – so different before the turkey feast!

17. What tops your tree? A star, which we had to buy the year the movers lost the paper angel that was made for me with my face photoshopped on!

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? I LOVE shopping for presents for other people but I also love getting good gifts (like the green shoes I’ve been obsessing over that Husbando bought me but I’ve not been allowed to see!)

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? I never usually have them around but my mum bought them this year for my nephew to put on our tree – I can live without them, I hardly need something else to eat this time of year.

20 Favorite Christmas Show? Guys & Dolls – I know its not a traditional but I always end up watching it over Christmas!

21. Saddest Christmas Song? I was thinking that there are no really sad Christmas songs but the words to “Last Christmas’ are actually pretty sad.

22. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Baby Its Cold Outside – the cheesiness just rocks and you have to know Husbando and I duet it together whilst tipsy.

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I received an email from a very good friend in London today with fantastic news that she’s found herself an amazing new job. It’s basically her dream job and she works so hard she definitely deserves the success. My heart expanded with happiness and joy for her.  Then I got all teary.

As much as I am incredibly happy for her (and I truly am – we worked on different sides of the same industry so there’s no competition between us) it also highlights how much I feel I’ve lost since coming here. My “dream” job doesn’t really exist in Vancouver so in the couple of years since arrived, whilst my old work friends have been moving up and developing their careers, I’ve essentially ended mine. I’ve worked “job” jobs and for the most part they were roles that were steps down and didn’t use my creative skills to their potential. Couple that with having a baby and I can honestly say my work and career confidence has been knocked for six.

I don’t know what this means for me and the future. I’ve always said I think I will need to work part time once I had kids but that was with the assumption that I had a career that I enjoyed and that challenged me. I never expected that I would prefer my work over my children but I have such an active, creative mind I can’t imagine not using it in that way.

Then I think about all the moms having to go back to work and all the feelings, on so many different levels, that we experience. How do we get our mojo back? How do we rebuild careers? How do we find the energy to want to? Where can I find my confidence again and once I find what the heck do I DO with it?

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I called our realtor today (who is so brilliant and helpful) to discuss his opinion as to when in the spring he thinks would be the best time for us to put the house on the market. I wasn’t expecting him to say “NOW” but he basically did. He’s coming on Friday to do a proper valuation and go through our options with us. Which means we need to get a move on with some painting and the tiling in the kitchen.
Eeeek. Didn’t see that coming!

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Little Miss has just fallen asleep unbelievably early so although I need to clean my house and get organized for the week and for Christmas I wanted to bring you up to speed on some other things so that in the future I can just write without wondering if I gave you some background. So here we go…

Other things:

Healing. Turns out that although I had a pretty easy pregnancy, as well as an inspiring and empowering labour I hadn’t escaped scott-free as I had suspected. I’m not healing so well, ahem, down there. Apparently there are a couple of possible reasons – I actually had some third degree tearing that wasn’t noticed or was diagnosed as “just” second degree tearing, I’ve got a build up of scar tissue, or I’ve done some muscle damage. I’ve been referred to a gynaecologist but the appointment isn’t for another FOUR months – although I’m hoping to get in on cancellation sooner – I can’t believe waiting for NINE months post birth to see someone is a good idea.

I’m also damaged in other ways – I’m having some funky shoulder pain, back pain, as well as a tendon issue with my hand which makes it hard to pick things up. Interestingly enough its all on the right side of my body – which is also is the side that my cervix dilated slower on. No idea if they’re related but I’m wondering if when having to fight the pushing I stressed/damaged my right side more? (I promise I’ll write the birth story one day soon!) I’m working with a great physiotherapist right now which is unbelievably slow helpful but it means that any exercise other than walking less than 30 minutes is out which is sooooooooooooooooooo depressing and not helping me with losing weight.

We’ve decided to sell our house in the spring. Its too big and we just can’t afford it. Husbando has found some additional part time work but eleven months of unemployment plus maternity leave do not mix. I’m not entirely sure what this means for us (aside from the fact that we’re going to have to downsize in a BIG way). I’m partially very sad that its come to this and partially relieved – knowing we’re doing something to change our situation makes me feel better about it but it means a major lifestyle change and a step down on the property ladder.

As far as the sleeping thing goes… we’re doing better but really this is because I’ve tried to change my perspective. I read a couple of books and they all say that its normal for a baby between 3 – 6 months old to wake 2 – 3 times between midnight and 6 am. If a child sleeps through the night the parents are lucky but its not the norm. This made me very relieved. As much as I want/need sleep there’s nothing wrong with Little Miss’ growth and development – in fact she’s a thriving, growing little munchkin so if she’s ok then I need to change the situation for myself. I’ve brought her back into our room and, whenever its needed, to our bed. She sleeps so much better near me and consequently, so do I. What’s interesting is that since I’ve been telling people thats what’s been going on I have had SO many parents confide in me that they did the same or similar. Why the big whispered secret? If its better for the baby and better for you/me/us then why are we ashamed to say it? It would have made me feel a hell of a lot better to start with if people had been open with their sleeping situations. I think there is a lot of pressure (both real and created) on new parents to have their babies sleep through the night but the reality is that no one told the babies that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. In the long run we all need to do whatever we can to get through whilst raising gorgeous little human beings.

So there we go… me in a (very longwinded) nutshell. Phew. It was actually really nice to get caught up

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I know I’ve been silent for a while and its really been for two reasons. The first being I almost don’t know where to start and I’ve been not wanting to be brutally honest because I know a lot of you have just popped and others are about to and I don’t want to be that woman. I’m also still hesitant after the work burn – work is something I want to talk about but knowing people at my work read my blog kills that – how am I supposed to work through stuff, and probably constantly change my mind, with the worry that someone is scurrying off and telling people about it. So I thought about going completely private but I know I’d lose a lot of readers that way and I really value you my readers. So I’ve been stuck, but also, honestly, mostly I’m EXHAUSTED.

When you first have a baby and they’re waking ALL THE TIME to feed and you feel the initial shock of the sleep deprivation and it is WAY, WAY, WAY harder than you ever expected everyone tells you it gets easier. If I had a nickel for every time I was told it would get better at 3, 6, 12 weeks then I would be able to easily supplement my egg nog latte addiction. But the truth is? They lied. Big time.

After the first couple of topsy turvy weeks Little Miss settled into a pattern of needing to eat about every 3 hours which meant that she woke up every 3 hours through the night. I hunkered down because I knew, because THEY said so, that weeks 3, 6, 12 were just around the corner. But here we are 3.5 months in (I’ve lost track of the weeks and I’m too tired to go count it out) and we’re still waking every 3 hours. Well 3 hours is good – sometimes its less. Its been 4 a couple of times and once upon a time she slept for 5 whole hours but that was before she was 6 weeks old. Right now she’s fighting a cold and a sore throat and the night before last she woke up every 90 mins. I honestly don’t think there are words for how tired I am and unless you’ve experienced it there is NO WAY you could ever know what its like and I don’t say that lightly or as a way of saying that I’m in the baby club and you’re not or some other BS, its just because, really, until you’ve been there you just can’t know.

Slightly long aside: And if I have one more mother of a formula fed baby tell me in a disbelieving voice that they’re so surprised she’s not sleeping through because their baby has slept through since XYZ weeks I’m going to punch them. Husbando’s pleading suggestions that we switch to formula have been met with disdain. I strangely feel very strongly about breastfeeding. I didn’t feel anything before I got pregnant, I mean I hoped that I would be able to breastfeed but I was sort of “meh” when it came to an opinion. Now here’s what I think: I think women should breastfeed. I also think women should get, by default, a shitload of help with breastfeeding. I was lucky – I had a lot of help early on and I can honestly say if I hadn’t received the advice and assistance I did in the beginning I’m not sure I would have been ABLE to breastfeed. It hurt and my nipples were bruised and I was tired but I was helped and corrected a few things and then we were rockin’ the whole breastfeeding thing.  A LOT of women aren’t as lucky as I was and my heart goes out to them, in fact because I CAN breastfeed I sort of feel like I NEED to for all the women I know who really wanted to but either couldn’t or didn’t get enough help early on.

So anyway all this means that I am not going to introduce formula all of a sudden just because I’m tired. I signed up for this gig. I knew it was going to have its hard parts but I also know that my job right now, the reason I have a year off, is this little creature who relies on me for EVERYTHING. And in two and a half months she’ll be going onto solids and everything will change (again). Really this baby needs me more than anything for 6 months – out of what? over (hopefully) the 700+ months I have left in my life. I might feel exhausted but what’s six month in a lifetime. So we continue to wake and feed. Several people have asked me if I’m going to do sleep training and I’m not sure. I’m not a fan of the whole cry-it-out methodology so I’m not sure how else people sleep train – I def need advice on this so please, please, please let me know what you think…

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I wrote the above yesterday afternoon in about 3 tries of 10 minutes each. Then I had to deal with a super fussy, sickly baby and I hit the wall. Ended up calling Husbando in tears telling him I didn’t know what to do because I was just so, so, so tired. Eventually, after all napping attempts were either disasters or interrupted (stupid dog, but thats another post) I finally took her to bed with me at 8:30. After feeding on and off for over 90 minutes!!! she finally fell asleep and slept for SEVEN whole hours. Seriously. I was stunned. I probably got about 5 hours straight because the thing about being so exhausted is that you can’t fall asleep because you’re so wound up. I wonder if babies have some magic sensor that lets them know if their parents are about to lose it in an almighty way? I also have to wonder if her sleeping had anything to do with being back in our room (we moved her to her own room a couple of weeks ago) and as I said to Husbando this morning I’m happy to let her sleep in our room till she’s 16 if it means she’ll sleep for SEVEN hours straight. A girl can live on seven hours.

So, although I wouldn’t go as far as proclaiming that I’m back I will say that I need to work through all the craziness going on right now and I need to be as honest as I can, as scary as it is and will be. And hopefully you’ll be hearing from me again in the near future!

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