Have you ever…
Posted in Uncategorized on 11/20/2009 08:40 am by EmilyHave you ever had so much that you want to say, that you want to talk about, but you just can’t find a way to get the words out?
I want to tell you how insanely in love with my daughter I am and how her silent, gummy laugh reduces me to some other-ness, but it sounds so trite. I want to explore how I feel like I’ve lost confidence* but my sense of self has grown a thousand fold. I can tell you that there are days I don’t get out of my pyjamas until after 4pm and I love every second of it and that my brain shuts down to a point where I can’t really focus when she cries but that’s about it. I can’t explain how I’m wrestling with so much and it all leads in so many different directions that I become frozen contemplating which is the RIGHT direction. Or how to explain I’m trying to enjoy every minute of my mat leave but can’t help thinking about work and whether I should go back, have to go back, can go back or even want to go back and I HATE it.
I’m not sure of who I am anymore, and I’m trying to figure it all out.
If only I could find the words.
*In areas other than mothering – there for some reason I’m good.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Having a baby really changes everything. It’s no surprise that it throws us all into such a tailspin. You’re still in the very early days yet, too. It really will get easier as you get more experience.
And I hear you on the maternity leave and working. I went back the first time and didn’t the second time, although not by choice. Even still, I feel like I don’t have any answers. It’s a balancing act and there are pros and cons to every choice. I think the only universal truth is that your daughter is going to be fine either way.
Amber´s last blog ..Beautiful Thusnelda
November 20th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
The work thing? Is such a brutal decision. It really is. I went back after my first one and hated every moment of it. I cried at my desk (quietly) every morning wondering why I was leaving my little baby at home…and I had it good in that my sister was my nanny! With my second I just quit. About a month ago I called my boss and told her I wasn’t coming back. Then she offered me part-time. I stood my ground and said no. Then she emailed me and wanted it in writing and I still haven’t sent it in. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m making the right decision it’s a scary one. Some people just know what they should do and others struggle. I struggle. What Amber said is correct – your daughter will be fine either way. Even still I TOTALLY know how hard that decision can be. Good luck.
Marilyn´s last blog ..I Blame November
November 21st, 2009 at 7:36 am
I went through this or I went through something very much like it. I think it is all part of the process of adjusting to a new life and lifestyle. You will eventually find your way.
Don’t try too hard to find yourself, just let yourself emerge.
November 21st, 2009 at 8:54 am
I got no advice at all, but remember you are sleep deprived and going through big changes. hugs.
Duck´s last blog ..What’s in a bag?
November 21st, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I soooo see myself going through the same. Even now I’m struggling with this not working thing, and not getting out of pjamas thing, and I know in the end it’ll all be worth it – for the moments like you describe with her laugh – but it’s a huge huge change for any woman. Particularly a hottie-ptottie like you who oozes confidence, but also needs that confidence to ooze to be who you are. And I say that in a complimentary way I hope you know. You’re someone who knows who you are, and that makes you YOU, but when you’re in this new land of in between, not knowing, it’s gonna mess with you. If you wanna chat or email or whatever, I’m around. Or at least I will be on and off (be patient with the crazy schedule that’s about to come my way).
chicklet´s last blog ..41 Weeks