Archive for November 20th, 2009

Have you ever…

Posted in Uncategorized on 11/20/2009 08:40 am by Emily

Have you ever had so much that you want to say, that you want to talk about, but you just can’t find a way to get the words out?

I want to tell you how insanely in love with my daughter I am and how her silent, gummy laugh reduces me to some other-ness, but it sounds so trite. I want to explore how I feel like I’ve lost confidence*  but my sense of self has grown a thousand fold. I can tell you that there are days I don’t get out of my pyjamas until after 4pm and I love every second of it and that my brain shuts down to a point where I can’t really focus when she cries but that’s about it. I can’t explain how I’m wrestling with so much and it all leads in so many different directions that I become frozen contemplating which is the RIGHT direction. Or how to explain I’m trying to enjoy every minute of my mat leave but can’t help thinking about work and whether I should go back, have to go back, can go back or even want to go back and I HATE it.

I’m not sure of who I am anymore, and I’m trying to figure it all out.

If only I could find the words.

*In areas other than mothering – there for some reason I’m good.